Emmett Colquitt, Again

A simple dose of reality was all that Emmett Colquitt needed to get his imagination jump-started, and certainly the thought of Doug penning idiotic ideas and selling them to the masses from a donut shop was a huge jolt. Emmett sat among fellow intellectuals at the weekly meeting of the Cuyahoga Valley Philo Club - of which, he always smugly noted, Doug was not a member - discussing various subjects of interest, when his face suddenly brightened.

"The world is round," he said to himself, "and oranges are round and the face of a clock, and yes, even donuts..." Slowly, the restaurant in which they all sat, The Pearl Tree, turned silent as people began to realize that Emmett was creating. Suddenly, he jumped up on the table to command the attention of all.

"Perhaps the reason why history repeats itself is not because we don't learn, but because everything is round!" Following a collective gasp of approval, everyone applauded. And then someone piped up.

"Everything?"

Emmett, still distracted by his revelation, turned to face Dick Liggin, anal-retentive treasurer of the Philo Club and the scourge of the WNRDSNM Radio morning show.

"Excuse me?"

"What I said was, 'Everything?' Meaning, is everything round, as you say?" asked Dick, absently scratching his buttocks with a fork, to the dismay of his fellow diners.

"I mean, is this fork round?" He held up the offending implement, then pointed it at the four-sided table on which Emmett was standing, speechless. "is this table round? Or would you have us believe that time itself, an intangible concept, is round? That history repeats itself because time is round?"

Emmett stood on the table, which was indeed square, fuming. He had an almost uncontrollable urge to grab the fork out of Dick's hand and spear the fat slob's testicles upon it, to further emphasize the roundness of all things. But he was a generally passive man, and managed to restrain his temper.

"Time? Time is only an intangible concept to those of you who limit your thoughts, Dick..." this last word he pronounced with the slur of an accomplished wit, "perhaps I was too literal, but yes, I will say that time is round. You can see it in the cyclical seasons, or in the way a child is born, grows and gives birth to begin again...Dick...Time may never end, as some people are wont to believe, but it is certainly round."

All heads swivelled from Emmett to where Dick sat, contemplating. Now he was the one fighting a compulsion to jam the fork into Emmett's person. A violent man by nature, he was only able to prevent himself by savagely biting his own hand until he was forced to drop the fork onto the table.

"But Emmett, the tangible concept of 'round' cannot be applied to an intangible concept such as time!" Dick winced as he pounded his injured fist on the table to emphasize his point.

"It is physically impossible, Emmett, to attribute any shape, be it round, triangular or even rhomboid, to something such as time. So maybe I do limit my thoughts, Emmett, but I limit them within the boundaries of what can be witnessed, felt, sensed or otherwise experienced. Besides, Emmett, you are still faced with that little matter of proving your theory of the roundness of all things by explaining to all of us just how round this fork is!" Dick almost screeched, spearing the fork at Emmett. It flew past him and hit the wall, tines first, accusingly flat.

Everyone's attention abruptly shifted back to Emmett. This debate between the two was even better than their legendary argument over pasteurized processed cheese products back at Cuyahoga Falls Community College. Back then, more than ten years ago now, Emmett had been president of the Debate Club, as he was currently the president of the Philo Club. And back then, as now, Dick had been a perpetually disgruntled member, convinced that he, a hard-line realist, could be a more effective governor.

Dick maintained that the problem in Cuyahoga Falls 'these days' was that people were too wrapped up in such vegan principles as equality for animals, socialized medicine and even, he shuddered, nuclear disarmament. Chronically paranoid, he was of the opinion that "Mo Nukes" was infinitely preferable to "No Nukes."

Emmett casually jumped off the table and began to walk in slow circles around Dick, knowing that he had a slight problem with having people stand within 5 feet of him. He clasped his hands behind his back. Dick began to twitch.

"Well, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that something else had caught your attention when I apologized for being so literal. I'll say it again, I'm sorry that your fork is not round." There was a chuckle from somewhere in the back of the restaurant.

"You know, it must be easy to be so black and white; to know for sure that time is intangible. It must be such an amazing feeling to believe in only that which you have - what was it? - witnessed, felt, sensed or otherwise experienced. But for those of us who live in greys your idea of time isn't so certain. To use your criteria, though, I can definitely say that I have experienced time. In fact, everyone here has experienced time. I know that even you yourself, Dick, have commented on how the time can pass so quickly...but if time is intangible how can you apply a verb to it? I've heard you say to 'friends' you haven't seen since college how time ravaged they look...but again, if time is intangible how can it do something? You can't be so selective. If you can attribute it with speed or ability then why can you not attribute it with a shape? Far greater minds than ours have put properties on time."

Now it was Emmett's turn to flail and pound as his temper rose. Dick Liggin was probably the only person in the world who could make him want to inflict deep, serious pain on people - a role of which Dick was aware and quite proud. But Emmett held back on physical violence, focusing instead on the personal hatred between them that had been going on for so long.

"What drags you through your day, Dick? When your radio show is over and you're walking home, what fills your sick, twisted brain? Did you join the club to satisfy some sense of inadequacy or was it just to annoy me?" There was no stopping Emmett now. He knew that Dick's reason for coming to Philo Club meetings was not to engage in serious discussion, but to feel superior to 'silly' idealists.

"You know, if I look at you any longer I'm going to have to bash your face in!" Emmett shouted. The gathered crowd gasped.

"And you know I can do it too. Just because I turn the other cheek doesn't mean I won't make an exeption about non-violent solutions. Oh yeah, Dick, I'll take you on! And don't think the people of this town have forgotten that day three years ago when I kicked your ass!" Another gasp. Yes, they did remember, and they all quietly agreed that it was a fine beating. Emmett slinked down onto a nearby chair and slicked back his hair with his hands.

"Just go," he hissed. "Just go and I'll see you at the next meeting. But if I see you anytime before that, and I don't care if it's even at Philpott's while you're out running an errand, I will hurt you. Now go."

So Dick left, somewhat embarrassed at the turn of events. As always, Emmett had managed to turn the tables to make him look wrong. As always, Dick slithered away concocting scenarios for the next meeting, where he would really get Emmett.

(With many thanks to Mopeychick for her part)